Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
