Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
