my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dick very happy bro
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
