five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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