My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
