I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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