I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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