she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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