WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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