I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
