its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
