I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
