bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
