Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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