Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
