I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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