yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i love accidental penises.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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