Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
