hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
