what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
