Where did you get a picture of my penis
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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