My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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