we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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