i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
