The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
