I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
