Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
