Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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