Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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