1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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