Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
