watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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