what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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