You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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