shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
