this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My bed smells like the plague
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