You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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