I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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