Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
