he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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