dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
