i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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