I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
