Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
