if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
