well you can't waste a boner
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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