i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
