OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
