How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
