Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
