You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
