I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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